While you may want to pretend it never happened, try to understand the roots of the affair. Ask yourself or your partner, “Why did this happen?”; “What does it say about me/my partner?”; “What was the entry point?”; and “How did it go on?” Bringing up these points with yourself and with your partner can help you better understand the situation and the state of your current relationship. Once you have these discussions, you can start to find the holes in your current relationship and begin patching them together. Instead of waiting for problems to blow up or get out of control, talk about problems when things are going well. If you feel like there are things in the relationship that are going poorly, bring them up before they get out of hand; don’t wait for them to grow worse.  If changes in emotional or physical closeness occur, bring it up. Say, “I feel like we’re spending less time together, and I’m wondering why that may be.” If you notice your partner spending more time at work and giving less attention to the relationship, say something. If you got caught up in something and realized you didn’t have clear boundaries, sit down with your partner and create boundaries together that feel comfortable to both of you. Consider telling your partner what feels like cheating to you, and ask your partner the same question, “What feels like cheating to you?” Consider both physical and emotional aspects of cheating. What kind of touching is too much? What language or communication is excessive? What about if you tell someone else things you don’t tell your partner? Couples counseling can be helpful in bringing the two of you together to discuss openly what problems are occurring in the relationship, and what’s missing that the affair fulfilled. Counseling can help you two move into a place of restored respect and growth. For more information, check out How to Choose a Marriage Counselor.

Summary: Explore how the affair happened. Confront problems in the relationship. Discuss boundaries with your partner. See a couples counselor.


To protect the space where you’re spraying, place the pieces on something you don’t mind getting paint on. Remember to always spray paint outside or in a well-ventilated area so you don’t inhale the fumes. For an easy way to coat hinges, knobs, and pulls, stick them in a thick piece of cardboard. Their screws will puncture the cardboard, so the hardware stands up without you having to hold it. If you don’t use primer, the spray paint will easily rub off of handles or knobs. Spray a thin coat over the entire piece of hardware. Let it dry, and then spray another coat if you feel it’s necessary.  Shake the primer thoroughly, for about 1 minute, before you start spraying. An oil-based primer is ideal for metal, as it prevents rust. Wait until the primer is completely dry before painting the hardware, for best results. If you can't remove the hardware, use a paintbrush to apply a standard oil-based primer instead. Hold the can about 8 to 12 inches (20 to 30 cm) from the hardware. Move it back and forth as you spray, so the paint doesn’t drip or clump up in one area. Wait for each coat to dry before you spray the next coat.  Shake the can for at least 1 full minute before you use it. Otherwise, you could get a bubbly texture. It should take each coat about 1 to 2 hours to dry enough for you to apply the next coat. If you get drips on your pieces, sand them off with a fine, 150 to 220 grit sandpaper when the coat has dried. For hardware that can't be removed, apply paint with a small paintbrush. The spray paint can should have instructions on how long the paint needs to dry. Keep in mind that high humidity and cool temperatures make paint dry slower. Try to set your hardware somewhere that’s dry and room temperature or warmer.  To prevent chips or smudges, you can spray a sealant over the paint, too. Wait until the paint is dry before you apply the sealant. Choose an enamel sealant, which is very durable and perfect for cabinets that are opened and closed often. Carefully screw the pulls or knobs back into the cabinet doors. Make sure they're attached securely so they don't fall off or wobble.  Clean up any drop cloths and remove any painter's tape you used while painting. If your hardware gets chipped over time, simply repeat the painting process to touch it up.

Summary: Set the hardware on a drop cloth or tarp outside. Spray 1 to 2 coats of oil-based primer and let it dry for at least 3 hours. Spray the hardware with 2 to 3 thin coats of paint. Let the paint dry for at least 6 hours. Reattach the newly painted hardware to the cabinets.


If your friend has been saying or doing concerning things, let them know that you’ve noticed and that you’re worried about them. Avoid getting upset or emotional when you do this as it may cause them to feel worse. Just tell your friend what you are concerned about in a straightforward manner.  For example, you might say something like, “John, I’ve noticed that you stopped coming to game nights and that you are spending most of your time alone. I’m worried about you.” Some examples of concerning behavior may include withdrawing, acting sad, self-harming, using drugs, gambling, or having unsafe sex. It’s important not to put too much pressure on your friend to talk, but letting them know that you’re there for them if they need you can help to reassure them. Offer to help them in any way that you can. Try saying something like, “I’m here for you if you ever want to talk,” or, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” to your friend if they want to talk with you. Give your friend your undivided attention if they want to talk, such as by putting away your phone and shutting off the TV or your computer. Face them and make eye contact with them. While your friend is talking, pay close attention to what they say and nod to show you are hearing them. You can also rephrase what they say now and then to show you’re paying attention. For example, you might say something like, “It sounds like you’re saying that you haven’t felt happy in a while. Is that right?” with your friend to gain insight into what they’re feeling. Empathy is a way of understanding other people’s feelings by putting yourself into their shoes. Try to imagine how you’d feel if you were going through what your friend has experienced or described. You might feel sad, angry, confused, lonely, or all of these things at once. Be sensitive to your friend’s emotions as you listen and respond to them. For example, if your friend shares with you that they have been feeling depressed since the death of a family pet, imagine how you might feel if your pet died. If you have had an experience that is similar to your friend’s experience, sharing it with them might help them to feel better. However, make sure to share the story in a shortened version so you don’t end up turning the spotlight onto yourself. Remember that the point of sharing the story is to help your friend feel validated and less alone in their experience.  For example, if your friend shares with you that they are having trouble with schoolwork and worried about failing, you might say something like, “I struggled a lot with math last year and I thought I was going to fail. I had to get tutoring after school a few days per week for a while.” Or, if a friend shares with you that they’re feeling depressed and don’t know what to do about it, you might say, “I felt really lost, too, when I went through a depressive episode a couple of years ago. I don’t know if it would help you, but therapy really helped me.” Unsolicited advice is not usually received well, so it’s best to avoid advising your friend about what they should do. Instead, focus on listening to them and only offer advice if they directly ask you for it. And if you do make a suggestion, make sure to maintain a non-judgmental and somewhat uncertain tone. For example, if your friend asks what they should do about a conflict with another friend, you might say something like, “I don’t know if this will help you, but I usually find it’s best to talk to someone when I’m having an issue with them.”
Summary: Tell your friend if you’re worried about them. Let your friend know that you are there for them if they need your help. Listen Empathize Tell your friend a story if something similar happened to you. Make suggestions only if your friend asks for your advice.