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Many people often end up listening too much to their “social selves,” the part of your personality that wants to fit in, be thought of well by others, and follow rules. While it’s healthy to want to be part of a larger community, if you end up basing all your decisions on what other people think is right for you, you’ll end up feeling like you’ve missed your purpose.  This can happen at any time in your life, but you may be especially vulnerable when you’re younger because you may feel compelled to listen to your parents or other authority figures.  Stop “shoulding” yourself. This phrase comes from psychologist Clayton Barbeau, who coined the idea to describe what happens when you let external pressures shape what you think you “should” do. This can make you feel unhappy and dissatisfied with your choices because they are coming from a place of guilt and fear, rather than choice. Try thinking about what you want to do, not what you feel you “should” do because someone else has told you that you should do it. “Passion” comes from authenticity, feeling like you’re honoring yourself in your decisions rather than trying to be or satisfy someone else. This is highly personal, and no one else can tell you what feels “authentic” to you; only you can decide that. Your values are your core beliefs in life. They can be religious or spiritual, but they can also be reflective of your personality and what most satisfies you. Research has shown that when you aren’t living in accordance with your values, you can feel unhappy and unmotivated. You may also procrastinate more because you don’t find your activities meaningful. It can be difficult to figure out what you value in life if you’ve never given it much thought -- or if others’ needs and desires have always taken priority over your own. Take some time to examine your past experiences and think about what made you feel “right” about your life. Many people have never sat down to really figure out what their values are. Take some time for yourself and ask yourself what things feel “right” to you, and what activities do not feel right to you.  Think about times when you felt happiest. What were you doing back then? Who were you with? Why do you think that event or situation contributed to your feeling of happiness? What can you do to bring that feeling into other areas of your life?  Think about times when you felt fulfilled and satisfied. What needs or desires were fulfilled? What was meaningful about this time or experience to you? Why do you think that was so? Are there any topics that get you fired up when you think or talk about them? What do you think affects you about these topics? Consider what you would save if your house was on fire (and all your people and pets were already safe). What meaning do those items have to you? What does that say about what’s important to you? If you could change just one thing about your family, community, workplace, neighborhood, or even the world what would you change and why would you change it? Once you’ve thought about your answers to the questions (and even come up with your own questions, if you like), examine your answers. What appears to make you happy and to add purpose to your life? What is not as satisfying as you thought? Have a look at the list of common values at MindTools to help you figure things out.  For example, perhaps you remember feeling proud of yourself when you had accomplished something on your own. This suggests possible values like independence, self-reliance, and ambition. You might also have felt most fulfilled when you were able to express yourself through your artwork. This suggests possible values like creativity, exploration, and vision. Perhaps you felt the happiest when you were able to help your children with their homework, or help a neighbor with their yardwork. This suggests possible values like support, community and contributing positively to society. Remember that your values are yours. Don’t judge them by anyone else’s standards. Some people value Spontaneity or Competitiveness, others value Structure or Teamwork. Neither is “better” than the other. Take a look at your life and see if you're already doing something that you love -- but just not doing it very often. Figuring out what you really love to do and channeling it in a productive way that turns it into a passion can help you explore your heart's desires. Here are some of the things to ask yourself:  What are my goals? What do I do most of the time? What do I keep on trying to do? What draws me? If I could do one thing for the rest of my life, what would it be? What do I love to do? What would I do, even if I didn't get paid to do it? What makes me feel like nothing else exists? What activity makes me feel completely in my element? What am I doing when I feel “right” or “beautiful” or “connected”? This is different from making a list of all of the things that make you happy. You will have to write down all of those things you've always dreamed about, but haven't done because you don't have the time, the money, or because they're impractical or even slightly scary. Here are some questions to ask yourself:  What is the one thing I have always dreamed about, but never got to do? What did I want to do when I was a child? Do I have an impractical dream that I once abandoned? What do I love reading or daydreaming about? Is there something I've been afraid to try because it takes me out of my comfort zone? Is there something I've been wanting to do but haven't done because of financial fears? Is there something I've always wanted to do but haven't tried because I've been afraid I'd fail or just not be very good at it? Is there something that someone I know does that thrills me? What would I do if I had no constraints? A vision board -- also called a dream board or a creativity board -- can be a helpful way to prompt your passions. Some people are more visual thinkers and respond well to collecting things that represent meaningful ideas.  Collect images and inspiring quotes that represent what is meaningful to you. Who do you want to be? What do you want out of your life? What do you want to create or make? You can also make a virtual vision board on a site like Pinterest. Life is about compromise. You will not have the time or energy to do everything, but it is important to decide what your priorities are. Figuring out what you value most in life will save you the frustration of trying to have everything, which just isn’t feasible.  Is it important that you are passionate about your career? You may have to sacrifice in other areas of your life, such as hobbies or even financial security. Is it important to you to have the money to pursue a passion for travel or another hobby? You may have to take a solid, well-paying but less exciting job to pay for it. Be as specific as possible. “Happiness” and “Success” are too vague to be helpful. Try to use your reflection on your values and enjoyments as a guide to figuring out what makes you happy. Regardless of the trade-offs and compromises you make, you will feel more satisfied -- and therefore more passionate when you are in control of your choices. No one's expectations of you are behind the wheel, but you are.
Think about what motivates your decisions. Figure out your values. Ask yourself some self-reflective questions. Look for patterns and themes in your answers. Think about what you love to do. Think about what you've always dreamed of doing. Try a vision board. Decide what matters most to you.