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Talk about the problem to initiate action. Be the accountability person. Avoid additional shame and guilt. Help him develop a self-monitoring system. Get him physically active. Explore new interests. Suggest talking to a therapist. Conduct an intervention.
It is likely a person with an addiction to pornography has kept it hidden from others. The process of talking allows someone to free himself from the lie of keeping secrets. Talking is extremely therapeutic and is used in many types of psychotherapy.  If the person tells you he has an addiction, then allow him to tell you his story. It is important for him to know that he is being heard. If you notice changes in the person’s behavior, then you can bring it up by saying something like, “I’ve noticed you are spending a lot more time online, and you look like something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?” Don’t be afraid to ask the tough, honest questions. Confronting difficult subject matter that might jeopardize a relationship is challenging. Deceit is at the root of addiction so you must tell the truth. You will need to ask direct, honest questions like, “Do you think you are addicted to pornography?” People tend to rise to a challenge when they know someone is interested in the outcome. There is a tendency to believe in yourself and your abilities when you can tell someone about your accomplishments. Accountability increases results and effectiveness. You can be the person who asks to be updated, shows an interest in the person’s success, and will call a person out if he is not living up to expectations. It will help the person attach to a process that will help end unhealthy behaviors.  You can help the person be accountable by saying something like, “I want to help you with this so I’m going to check in with you and ask you how things are going.” Offer to monitor the person’s computer activity by checking search histories on a daily or weekly basis. You must secure the person’s commitment to not delete his own search histories. An addiction to pornography carries its own sense of shame in most cultures. If a person is trying to change his behavior, additional shame and guilt is not helpful to the process. Help the person find other things that motivate positive change, rather than ridiculing negative behaviors.  Encourage a healthy sense of right and wrong when necessary. You can do this by explaining to him that he needs to view himself separate from his behaviors. He is not a bad person, but his behaviors cause harm and must change.  If the addiction has caused harm to his relationships, you can say, “Your relationships are going to be so much better once you change your behavior. Life is going to be easier for you. It might not seem like it at first, but it will.” In contrast, a shame and guilt-filled statement would be to say “Don’t you want to stop messing up your relationships? I don’t know why you would want keep doing that. It doesn’t make any sense and it is so hurtful to everyone.” Ending an old behavior involves learning a new set of behaviors. The goal of ending an addiction to pornography is to find alternate ways to manage and cope with negative feelings. A structured approach is always an effective way to manage behavior change.  Identify the target behavior. Through discussion, identify the behaviors the person would like to change. For example, if the person stays up until 3:00 a.m. watching pornography and misses class or work in the morning, then he will need to change his sleeping schedule. A goal could be: Go to bed no later than 11:30 p.m. on weeknights. Help him select/design a system to monitor and change his behavior. This may include: setting schedules for limited time using the computer; scheduling time to do outdoor activities; requiring an hour per day writing about his feelings in a journal. If he is depressed, anxious, stressed or suffering from low self-esteem introduce relaxation techniques like yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises that have all been successful in treating these afflictions.  Choose ways to reinforce positive thoughts and behaviors. If he enjoys going to the movies or sporting events, these can serve as a rewards if he meets daily or weekly goals. This will help build self-esteem and his belief in himself.  Fade your involvement as improvements happen. As he accumulates longer and longer periods of positive behavior you can slowly step back your involvement. Provide healthy distractions to pull the person away from the computer. The goal is to help the person get physically active to build an interest in feeling the health benefits of physical activity. If he feels better he is more likely to stay positive and motivated to change.  Suggest things like walking, running, hiking and weight lifting. These activities help the brain release endorphins, which increase feelings of pleasure and lessen pain.  Also, you could suggest that he take a dance class. Learning new dance steps requires his full attention, which allows him to take a mental break from his addiction. Having an addiction occupies most of the person’s time and pushes him away from pursuing his interests. It robs him of experiencing things that he enjoys, and things that he might enjoy if he had the time.  Encourage him to explore his interests by answering the questions: What is missing in your life? Where would you travel if you could? If money had no implications, what would you do for a career? Perhaps playing the guitar has been an interest. Suggest that he take a class online or at a local music store. Encourage him to get involved in groups that share his non-pornography interests. These connections may lead to close friendships. Take as much time away from the addiction as possible. If he spends most of his time on new activities, then there will be no time left for watching pornography. If his struggles are becoming more difficult and the self-help strategies are not making a big impact, then suggest that he see a therapist. He may be dealing with underlying anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues that are too much to handle. A licensed therapist is trained to deal with these types of issues and can help the person. It is the goal of the therapist to provide a safe place to talk, express emotions and discuss the situation openly and honestly.  Reinforce the fact that it takes courage to make positive changes in his life. The therapist will echo your statements. Confirm that talking to a therapist is the next step toward getting the help he needs. You have been there for him to talk about his addiction, but now it is time to talk to a professional. You can tell him, “I will still be here for your, and you will have the therapist to talk to who will undoubtedly have better ways to help you.” Find a therapist who is a good fit. Ask a doctor, family member or trusted friend if they can recommend a therapist. There are professional therapists available in your local area who will help people deal with addictions. Look for a therapist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy. This type of therapy is one commonly used to treat addiction and provides a step-by-step process designed to stop compulsive behavior. The therapist will help the person examine and dispel the negative thought patterns he has developed. You can suggest that the person attend a 12-step program designated for those people who suffer from sexually-related addictions. There are 12-step programs available worldwide. Contact a local chapter to obtain information on a meeting near you. Help comes in many forms, and sometimes a more focused approach is needed. An intervention is a planned confrontation by friends and family to address the person with an addiction. It is a hard decision to make, but one that is necessary if the addiction has spiraled out of control and the person’s life is in danger. Many people with an addiction are often in denial and unwilling to seek treatment. While an intervention will likely be overwhelming to the person, the intent is not to put the person on the defensive.  Be aware that those who will participate in the intervention should be carefully chosen. The person’s loved ones can describe how the addiction to pornography is affecting them. There needs to be a plan in place to provide the person with treatment options. For example, there are inpatient programs, outpatient programs, and counseling is involved in all.