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You need to be clear in your own mind that you want to separate before informing your wife. You can expect your discussion to be emotional. For that reason, you might back out of the separation. Before even mentioning separation, you need to be clear in your own mind that this is what you want to do.   Remember that separation does not automatically mean you get divorced. Instead, separation could be a way for you and your wife to gain some perspective on your relationship. You can also “legally separate.” Legal separation is a form of long-term separation where you remain married. However, you and your wife would no longer be jointly responsible for finances and debts. For all intents and purposes, you live like a divorced couple. Separating isn’t as easy as walking out the door. You need to think through exactly what will happen before you drop the bomb on your wife. For example, you should consider the following:  Do you want to stay in the house or do you want her to leave? If you leave, where will you go? Does she have a place to go if you ask her to leave? Do you want the separation to be a temporary trial or permanent? Do you have access to important documents and information, such as birth certificates, financial account information, etc.? You should get this information first. Do you want to stay with the children? If so, you shouldn’t leave the house. You generally need a court order before you can take children out of their home. You will probably be nervous when you tell your wife that you want a separation. For this reason, you should write a script where you tell your spouse why you are leaving and also your expectations for the separation.  Focus on using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, “I think I’ve changed” is better than “You’re not the woman I thought you were.” Focus on why the marriage isn’t working for you and why you are leaving. For example, you could say, “I’ve been married since I was 22 and think I need to find out what I really want. I think that might only happen if I spend some time on my own.” Avoid trying to convince your wife that the separation is a good idea for her, too. You can’t speak for her. For this reason, avoid saying, “You should take this time to figure out if you’re happy.” Instead, focus on your reasons for separating. It is better to schedule a specific time to talk about separating than to blurt out that you want to separate in the middle of a fight. You should tell your spouse, “We need to talk about something important. Is now a good time?” If not, then ask to schedule a time to talk.  If you are afraid of your wife physically attacking you, then you might want to schedule a discussion in public. People often control themselves better when there are other people around. You should also realize that it may take your spouse a long time to just process what was said. For this reason, you may need to speak more than once to hammer out the details of your separation. Try not to be defensive or aggressive when telling your wife that you want to separate. Instead, remember to go through your script slowly and pause to judge her reaction. She might immediately go into a state of shock and not really hear what you are saying. For example, you could say, “Mary, I need some time to figure out how I feel about our marriage. I think a separation will allow me to get some perspective on our relationship and on what I want. Maybe if we live separately for a while, we can sort things out.” You need to listen to whatever your wife says in response to your request for a separation. If she needs to vent, then let her vent. Also, if you think she is keeping emotions bottled inside, you could say, “Please, Sherry, I’m willing to listen to whatever you have to say.”  When you interrupt someone, you invalidate what they are feeling. Your wife’s resentment could harden if she feels like you are trying to silence her. Let her talk, and make eye contact as she talks. Remember that separation is a process—you will probably see your wife frequently in the coming months and years, even if you don’t have children. It is best to try and be as understanding so that the separation can be as smooth as possible. Many couples never tell their children that they are separating, particularly when the children are very young. However, you need to tell your children. Remember to follow these rules:  Don’t blame. You don’t need to blame your wife for the separation. Don’t say, “Your mother has made it impossible for me to stay.” You could instead say: “I need to go away for a while to think things through.” Don’t overshare. Your children don’t need to know the details of why the marriage is not working out. In fact, the more children know, the more harm they suffer. Avoid asking the children who they want to stay with. Tell your children you love them and tell them that you will stay in constant contact. Tell them where you are staying and that you will see them soon. It is probably easier to be the one who leaves the house. After talking about why you want to separate, you should leave. Give your wife your phone number so that she can talk to you.  Be sure not to leave with property you own together with your wife. She might think you are permanently trying to deprive her of it. Instead, pack a bag full of clothes and personal items, like toiletries or anything you will need to get through a week. Because of the emotional toll separation can take on a family, you should consider therapy before, during, or after the separation. Therapy can help family members deal with the feelings of guilt, depression, and anxiety. You should also have considered therapy as an alternative to separating.  You can get a referral to a family or couples therapist by asking your family doctor. Some websites, such as Psychology Today, also have locators you can use. Type in your city or zip code to find therapists near you.
Make a decision to separate. Come up with the details of separation. Write out a script to use. Schedule a time to talk. Break the news. Don’t interrupt your wife. Tell your children. Leave, at least temporarily. Schedule therapy, if necessary.