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Being close to someone requires telling them exactly what you want. Even if you think you're being obvious, many people have a hard time picking up on hints and indirect communication. You have to be willing to say what's on your mind, even if it's something that you're afraid your partner won't like.  For example, you might say "I would like to be closer with you and share more of my life with you." If you feel like there's a barrier between you, or your partner is putting up a wall, you might say "I feel as though you're closed off to me, and I would like for us to get closer. Would you like to talk about it?" When you attempt to communicate through hints or indirect communication, you always have an out. If your partner picks up on your hint and doesn't like it, you can claim you didn't mean that at all. But even if you avoided a potential conflict, there will still be distance between you. Lies and deceit are always a barrier to closeness. However, refusing to share pieces of your life with your partner or keeping secrets from them can be just as damaging. When they find out about something you've been keeping from them, they may wonder what else you've been hiding.  For example, suppose you have a dance class twice a week, but for some reason, you don't want to tell your significant other. Maybe you think they will ridicule you. So you keep it a secret. However, by doing that you are building a wall between the two of you. This doesn't mean that you can't keep a birthday present or surprise party a secret. However, in that situation, you should also be aware that your partner will likely sense that you're keeping something from them, and might start to get suspicious. When your partner is talking to you, stop doing other things and pay attention to them. Use statements such as "I hear you saying that..." then put what they said in your own words. If your understanding or perception isn't accurate, they can correct it. Then the two of you are both on the same page.  This doesn't mean you can't ever do other things while talking to your partner. For example, they may want to chat while you're doing the dishes or making the bed. But if they want to talk about something relatively serious, stop what you're doing and listen. Nod and look them in the eye (if this is culturally appropriate) to communicate that you are paying attention to them. Sharing your own inner thoughts and feelings may make you feel more vulnerable, but your partner will appreciate that you trusted them enough to share something so private and personal. Opening up in this way is a good way to get closer to your partner, as well as learning about each other.  For example, you might reveal that you always cry at the beginning of the movie "Up." If your partner responds by saying "Oh, I understand. That's one of the most emotional scenes ever, and yet it's a cartoon without dialogue," then you've found a deeper emotional connection. You might also tell your partner about past experiences that helped shape who you are or what you believe. Be careful revealing too much about yourself if your partner is not reciprocating with equally intimate information about themselves. If you revealed you cry at a certain movie, for example, they might confess a movie that always makes them cry or admit that they've never cried at a movie. When you criticize your partner, you may give them the impression that you think they're not good enough for you. They may put up defensive barriers, impeding your efforts to get closer to them. Try to flip criticisms around so that you focus on what you're missing rather than what your partner is or isn't doing.  For example, you might say "We have so much fun when we go out together" rather than "you never want to do anything." Try to use plural pronouns, such as "we" and "us," as much as possible. Singular pronouns, such as "I" and "you," verbally pit the two of you against each other. Plural pronouns emphasize that you're a team and you're in it together. When the two of you disagree about something, try to find a way to resolve the problem rather than tearing your partner down. Your goal should not be to win the argument but to move your relationship to a better place. Seek your partner's side of the story and empathize with them.  Keep in mind that if you insult your partner, or lose your cool and start cursing at them, you'll likely regret it later. You could also deeply hurt them. Flying off the handle like this can also cross the line into verbal, psychological, or even physical abuse. If you're too upset to talk constructively, tell your partner that you need a few minutes of quiet time to calm down before you'll be able to talk about it. Then separate yourself from them for a few minutes. You could move to another room or go for a walk. When you first met your significant other, you likely had a million questions for them and wanted to know everything about them. But once you've been together for a while, that curiosity can fade. You may think you already know everything about them – but you don't. Ask them how they think and feel about things rather than assuming you know.  This applies to both large and small things in your life. For example, if the two of you are watching a TV show together, you might ask them which character is their favorite and why, or what the best part of the show is for them. Ask open-ended questions and give your partner the chance to surprise you. For example, a question such as "You like pizza, right?" is a yes/no question that doesn't give you the opportunity to learn anything new about your partner. However, if you asked "What's your favorite quick dinner?" their answer might surprise you. Your significant other will feel more comfortable opening up to you and letting you get closer if you show a real interest in the things that are going on in their life. If you've made an effort to listen actively, put that knowledge to use by asking them specific questions about things they mentioned.  For example, you might ask "How's your research going for your history paper?" or "Did your boss like your presentation this morning?" Asking generally about work or school doesn't show interest the same way. Use as many specific details as possible to indicate that you were paying attention to them and you really care about what's going on in their life.
Express your feelings directly and openly. Maintain honesty and openness in your relationship. Listen actively to your partner and repeat back your understanding. Engage in self-disclosure to share yourself with your partner. Turn criticisms into positive statements. Make arguments constructive rather than destructive. Remain actively curious about your partner's thoughts and feelings. Check in with your partner regularly about things in their life.