Summarize:

As soon as your spouse discovers the affair (or, preferably, beforehand), end your relationship with the other party. Let the other person know in clear terms that the relationship is over, and cut off all contact with them if possible. Let your spouse know that you have ended the affair or tell them that you plan to do so immediately. Ideally, you should decide to end the affair and tell your spouse what happened before they discover the affair on their own. Waiting for your spouse to catch you cheating and confront you about it may make it harder to repair the damage. Don't try to lie, fudge the truth, or justify your actions. Explain to your spouse what happened briefly but clearly, and acknowledge that you are responsible for the choices you made.  For example, you might say, “I've been having an affair with my friend Susan for the past 6 months. I lied to you and said that I was staying out late for work meetings, but I was really meeting up with her every week after work.” Don't blame your spouse or the other party in the affair for what happened. You might have felt like you had good reasons for having an affair, but it's important to recognize that you have control over your own actions. to your spouse. As soon as you've confessed to the affair, offer a sincere and straightforward apology for your actions. Don't qualify with your apology with excuses or justifications, and don't make the apology conditional (e.g., “I'm sorry. If you'll just forgive me, I promise I'll never do it again!”). Simply say that you are sorry for what you've done.  For example, you could say, “I'm so sorry about what I did, and I feel terrible about hurting you and damaging our relationship like this. I just want you to know that I love you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to try to rebuild our marriage.” Don't add qualifications that excuse your actions or place any blame on your partner. For example, avoid saying things like, “I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have done it if you made an effort to spend more time with me.” You will probably need to apologize many times for what happened. Even if this is frustrating, resist the urge to say things like, “Oh come on, I already apologized!” to what your spouse has to say. Your spouse will probably have a lot to say about what happened, and you may find it difficult to hear. However, it's important that you let them have their say. Listen calmly and patiently, without interrupting or trying to defend your actions.  Let your spouse know that you are listening by making eye contact, nodding, and using verbal cues, like “Right,” or “Uh huh.” Try rephrasing what they say to you to show that you are listening and make sure you are understanding them correctly. For example, “So, it sounds like you're angry at me for cheating on you, but also mad at yourself for not figuring out what was happening right away.” Your spouse may feel angry, sad, scared, disgusted, confused, or even guilty about what happened. Even if their reaction upsets you or seems excessive to you, acknowledge their feelings without trying to judge, dismiss, or minimize them.  For example, you could say, “I can see that you're really angry with me right now. I understand.” Don't say things like, “I know this is upsetting, but just try to calm down,” or “Come on, I just kissed him a few times. Stop making such a big deal out of it.” You will probably also have complicated feelings about what happened, and that's okay. Allow yourself to feel angry, sad, frustrated, guilty, or upset without judging yourself. However, recognize that your spouse is probably not in a good place to help you work through your own feelings right now. After learning about your affair, your spouse will likely have questions. You may find these questions painful or excessive, but answer them as completely and honestly as you can. Be prepared to answer the same question many times—repeated questioning is a common and normal reaction to a major betrayal of trust like an affair.  Your spouse may ask you about the details of what happened—where, when, why, and how often. They might also ask you questions about how you feel about them (e.g., “Do you love me?” “Do you think he's more attractive than me?”) or grill you about whether you've had other affairs or been dishonest about other things. Answer their questions completely, but don't feel the need to go into excessive detail. For example, you could say, “Yes, we had sex several times,” but don't feel the need to divulge any more details unless they ask.
End the affair immediately and completely. Take full responsibility for your actions. Apologize sincerely Listen Acknowledge and validate your spouse's feelings about the affair. Answer any questions openly and honestly.