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In order to begin to solve an argument, you first need to understand what happened and develop some hypotheses about why it happened. This is crucial because you cannot solve a problem if you don’t know what the problem is! Having a plan is one way to approach the situation with a clear head to reduce more arguments.   Begin by looking at what happened from your perspective and thinking rationally about it. Use both your rational mind and your emotional mind, but try to look at the situation objectively. Let’s say you found out that your friend was talking negatively about you behind your back. Think about all of the specifics of the situation. How did you find out? What did the person say? How did you handle it? In order to analyze the issue, it can be helpful to identify what led to the issue and what happened afterwards. Identify the Antecedent (what happened before the conflict), Behavior (what you did) and Consequence (what happened as a result of the behavior). Let’s imagine that the conflict began by you finding out that your friend is talking behind your back (antecedent), and then you confronted your friend which turned into a verbal argument (behavior). Next, you and your friend stopped talking to each other for a week (consequence). Know that some arguments are okay; not all arguments are bad. It is okay to disagree with your friends sometimes, and argue or debate about a topic. It is how you go about arguing that is important; each person needs to be respectful and neither should be aggressive. Try to analyze your own behaviors and thoughts about the situation. Think about the possibility of looking at the situation differently and taking on another perspective. This can help you gain clarity about the conflict and understand how you can attempt to solve it. For example, you could commit to your friend that you will do something better the next time a similar situation occurs.   One way of doing things differently is thinking differently. For example, if someone told you your friends was talking negatively about you, is it possible that this isn’t true? Another way of doings things differently is changing your actions. If you confronted your friend about what you heard, can you identify a better way you could have approached the situation? Were you really mad when you tried to resolve the conflict? Did you say something you regret? Analyze how your friend responded to the argument. This can help you to gather your thoughts so that when you talk to your friend about the situation you can be specific about what you’d like her to change.   Gather some ideas about what hurt your feelings or made the situation more difficult for you. For example, perhaps your friend called you a bad name and cursed at you, and this made you feel sad and angry. Identify specifically what your friend could have done differently. For example, if your friend cursed at you, perhaps she could have lowered her voice, spoken calmly, and used words that were not hurtful or aggressive.
Admit what went wrong. Commit to change your actions. Plan to express what made you upset.