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One sign of a toxic parent-child relationship is if your parents do not acknowledge your accomplishments in appropriate ways. This could mean that your parents either refuse to acknowledge when you accomplish something, or that your parents dismiss your accomplishments. Some parents may even ridicule your accomplishments. For example, if you get a good grade on a test, your parents should congratulate you for this accomplishment. If your parents are toxic, then they might ignore what you said, change the subject, make fun of you for being a nerd, or say something like, “So what? It’s just a test.” It is normal for parents to want to guide you, but parents who try to control your behavior may be toxic. This may range from small decisions like what to wear to school to larger decisions like where to go to college or what to major in. If you think that your parents exert a high amount of control over your decisions, then they may be toxic. For example, a parent who encourages you to make your own decisions might ask you questions about where you want to go to college and why; however, a parent who is exerting control over your decisions might tell you where you are going to attend college. Parents who have healthy relationships with their children show their emotional bond by making eye contact with their children, smiling at them, and offering affection in the form of hugs. If your parents have toxic behaviors, then they might not do any of these things. For example, a parent who shows appropriate emotional connection with his child might comfort her if she is crying; however, a parent who lacks an emotional connection with his child might ignore the child or yell at her to stop crying. Healthy boundaries are important in parent-child relationships. If you have good boundaries with your parent, then you should not feel like your lives are one and the same. For example, a parent who has healthy boundaries with her child might ask how her child's friends are doing, but would not insist on hanging out with her child and his friends. Verbal abuse is another form of toxic parenting. If your mother or father call you names, put you down, or just say things to hurt your feelings, then these are all forms of verbal abuse.  For example, your parents should say things to build you up and make you feel good about yourself; however, you would feel bad if your parent said something like, “You’re worthless!” or, “I can’t stand to be in the same room with you!” Some parents will be kind and reassuring one day and then mean and critical the next day. But keep in mind that this is still verbal abuse, even if your parents are not always cruel to you. Parents who are too focused on themselves to notice their children or to treat them properly can also be toxic. If your parents ignore you completely or only acknowledge you when you are doing something that they can brag about to friends, then this is an example of narcissistic parenting and it is toxic.  For example, your parents should encourage you in your interests. A narcissistic parent, however, might only pay attention to you if your interests give him something to brag about, such as by telling all of his friends that you won a scholarship, even though he never asks about your studies or encourages you. Some narcissistic parents may have a personality disorder (PD). A person with PD displays self-centeredness, refusal to accept personal responsibility, constant self-justification, a strong sense of entitlement, and shallow emotions. A parent with PD might treat children like a burden or roadblock to her own personal goals. She will typically rely on emotional manipulation to control her kids. People with PD are often hypercritical of their children and can be physically abusive or prone to endangering their child’s welfare. Some parents are too immature or have other problems (such as addiction) that make it hard for them to be effective parents, so a child ends up taking on some parenting duties. Consider whether you had to take on any parenting roles because your parent was not able or willing to care for you and/or your siblings. These may include things like cooking, cleaning, and caring for other children. Sometimes parents assign cooking and cleaning chores to teach children responsibility, but toxic parents may heap many responsibilities on one child to avoid having to do these things themselves. For example, a toxic parent who does not want to cook or clean may shirk these responsibilities and force one of his children to do all of the cooking and cleaning instead. Some children feel unloved even though their parents say that they love them regularly, because they don’t see this love reflected in how they are treated.  Make sure you aren’t assuming you know how your parents feel about you without good reason. For example, a parent who regularly says “I love you,” but who often ignores her children is not behaving in a way that shows love. Likewise, a parent who says that she wants her children to be independent, but never allows them to make any decisions is not behaving in a way that demonstrates what she says she wants.
Consider how your parents respond to your accomplishments. Think about any controlling behaviors that your parents use. Note a lack of emotional connection. Consider the boundaries between you and your parents. Reflect on any verbal abuse you have suffered. Identify narcissistic behaviors. Think about any parenting roles you played. Judge their behavior over what they say.