For desensitization to be successful, you must be able to relax yourself when you feel afraid. You will need to learn a relaxation technique that works reliably for you every time before beginning a desensitization regimen. Practice these when you are not feeling stressed or anxious so you can focus on the process and which one works best for you. Breathing is an important part of any relaxation technique, so it is helpful to learn basic breathing exercises, regardless of which technique you decide to use. Breathe in through your nose and into your belly — you should feel your tummy rise as it fills with air. Then exhale through your mouth. It may help you to count to five with each inhale/exhale. This technique uses both your imagination and an awareness of your body to help you feel calm.  Think of a word, phrase, or image that makes you feel peaceful. Repeatedly imagine this word, phrase, or image. Focus on slow, controlled breathing while you think of the word, phrase, or image. Using this method, you work on tensing and relaxing muscles and developing an awareness of your muscle tension.  Start by flexing the muscles in your toes. Hold for five seconds. (Some people find it best to start at their toes and work toward their head, but others find that the reverse works better. Pick whichever works best for you.) Consciously relax your toe muscles for 30 seconds. Work your way upward until you reach your head. Visualization helps you create very vivid mental pictures that you can call up later. Remember to do your deep breathing as you visualize.  Think of a peaceful place. Observe everything about the place. What does it look like? What colors do you see? Imagine how all of your senses feel in this place. What can you smell? Are there any noises? Practice it often so that you can do it without thinking hard about it. It’s okay to choose more than one, but be sure that you can consistently use the techniques to make yourself feel calm and relaxed.  Keep in mind that if you have a history of serious psychological issues, it may take  you a long time to learn a relaxation technique. If practicing a relaxation technique causes you distress, stop and seek assistance from a mental health professional. You will want to be able to use it at a moment’s notice when you start desensitization.

Summary: Experiment with different relaxation techniques. Try autogenic relaxation. Practice progressive muscle relaxation. Attempt visualization. Choose the relaxation technique that works best for you. Practice your chosen relaxation technique daily.


Your newfound feelings of affection for your girl friend may be light years from her own feelings about you. After all, yesterday you were both friends, while today, at least one of you has shifted into new territory. Has she given you any indication that she might be interested in something deeper than platonic friendship? Have you seen signs of flirting or wanting to be close all the time? Or does she act the way she always has done, friendly, attentive and affectionate but only in the way of a good friend? Paying attention to these things can help you have a better sense of the situation.  See how she acts when she talks to you. Is she the same as she's always been, or has she been suddenly acting more self-conscious? If that's the case, then she may be nervous because she wants something more from you, too. However, if she does act exactly the same, it doesn't mean that she doesn't have new feelings for you. Still, it helps to try to gauge her feelings before you proceed. Was she always comfortable telling you about the guys she likes, but she has recently stopped doing that? This could be an indication that you may be the only guy she has feelings for. You may be so hung up on the idea of dating your favorite girl friend that you may not be reading the signs properly. If you have some trusted friends who have hung out with the two of you and can watch you in action objectively, then don't be afraid to ask them what they honestly think your chances are. A true friend will give you his honest opinion, and he may be able to tell you if he thinks she likes you, or if she just sees you as a friend.  Of course, your friends may just be telling you what you want to hear. But if you seek out an honest friend and ask for an honest opinion, you may be in luck. This doesn't mean that your friends will be able to read the situation better than you can. But it does help to have your suspicions confirmed, or to have your friend break the news that the girl actually likes someone else. Be clear. The problem often lies in being nice, as friends usually are. Niceness is an admirable quality in friendship but it's bland when it comes to passion and love. Being nice rather than flirtatious and daring will give her the impression that you are a great friend, but not a great lover. If you keep it up, you'll most likely get stuck in the friend zone. The answer? You really need to flirt more! And if you don't think you're any good at flirting, don't worry––flirting is, and should be, playful and fun. Don't let her do the usual "friend" things with you. Don't let her treat you like a girlfriend or tell you about a boy she likes. Make sure that she sees you as more than that. Before you go and ask out your girl friend, make sure that you're really ready to take the risk involved in asking out one of your friends. If she's one of your best friends, or is even your best friend, then you have to make sure that your feelings are really genuine and that you're ready to take the plunge, and to risk the friendship you have by dating. In the end, your friendship may be more important than your romantic relationship. The truth is that most relationships don't end in marriage, and you may not be able to return to your old friendship when you break up. However, if you really do like the girl and see a real future with her, then you should go for it.
Summary: Try to figure out how she feels about you. Ask your friends what they think. Avoid the friend zone. Make sure it's worth it.