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Respect your spouse’s relationship with their mother, but explain your needs for personal space and autonomy. Make your needs clear, and name specific issues that need to be addressed. Keep your tone positive, and remind your spouse that you don’t blame them for their mother’s actions.  For example, say, “I understand you’re close with your mother, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. However, I need boundaries. It’s not okay for her to come over unannounced or criticize my parenting skills.” Bring up your feelings as soon as possible. You’ll have an easier time handling issues without conflict if you address them sooner rather than later. Let your spouse know that you get how rough it is being in the middle of the conflict. Emphasize that the relationship between you and your spouse is separate from the conflict between you and your mother-in-law. Say, “I get that you’re in a tough position. I don’t want you to feel like you have to choose between me and your family. I love you, and these issues shouldn’t drive a wedge between us.” In addition to explaining your needs, ask your spouse how they envision their mother’s role in your lives and how best to deal with the issues you are facing with them. Work with them to find middle ground that satisfies you both.  For example, your spouse might not mind if she pops in unannounced, and wants her to be a close part of your lives. You could have her over for weekly dinners to satisfy your spouse’s needs, and require her to call ahead before visiting. Compromise with your partner, but make your needs clear. Tell them, “I’m happy that you’re so close with your parents, and I want to support that. But I’m your partner, and I need your support, too. Maintaining our privacy doesn’t mean you can’t have a close relationship with your mother.” Once you’ve come up with solutions, your spouse should have a talk with their mother alone. Bear in mind it’s your partner’s responsibility to address problems with their parents. If they’re hesitant, explain that they need to take the lead, just as you would if there were an issue with your parents. Say, “You need to be the one to tell your mother to give us some space. If you ever have an issue with my parents, then I’d need to take the lead. Be assertive but respectful. Tell her that we’re not shutting her out, but we need to set boundaries.” From establishing boundaries to handling criticism or disrespect in the moment, your spouse should defend you. Married partners' primary loyalties are to each other.  Make sure that your spouse takes the lead in enforcing boundaries and responds to their mother before you have to. This may be more effective than you saying something. If your mother-in-law puts you down, your spouse should calmly say, “Please don’t insult Sam like that. When you disrespect my spouse, you disrespect me, and it’s not okay.” If your partner doesn't have your back, tell them, “We’re a team, and I’m hurt that you didn’t defend me when your mother insulted me. I don’t want to put you in the middle, but you need to stick up for me.”
Explain your feelings to your partner. Tell your spouse you understand they’re in a tough position. Work with your spouse to come up with clear boundaries. Ask your spouse to have a conversation with their mother on their own. Remind your spouse that they need to have your back.