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If you have figured out that one of your family members is struggling with depression, it can be seem like you had something to do with it. But it’s not your fault. Depression makes it hard to for people to connect emotionally with their loved ones. To be available to this person and help them, it is important to understand that it’s not personal. When you are talking to a depressed family member, you have to keep in mind that they are dealing with an actual physical problem. It can be tempting to blame their mental disorder on decisions they have made, but recognizing that it’s not their fault can help you be less critical and more supportive. Keep in mind that your love and support can help them recover from depression. Your support of their recovery process is one of the most valuable things you can offer someone struggling with depression. Offering to let someone with depression talk about what they are feeling without judging them is an important part of recovery. It will help them feel less alone. You can also offer to help them find a support group, where they can talk to people who have been through what they are going through to help them feel less alone. To help your depressed family member, you need to know what they are experiencing. With depression, there are a lot of things that can be going on, so you have to ask direct questions to get to the heart of it. You can prompt your loved one to explore why they are feeling depressed to help them get to the other side of it. Ask questions like:  “When did you first start to feel bad?” ”Do you know what triggered these feelings?” ”What makes it worse?” ”What makes it better?” Demanding that your loved one change the way they feel is a pointless exercise, mostly because they don’t know how to change how they feel. You will feel frustrated when they don’t change, and they will feel angry toward you, perhaps even feeling more depressed than ever. This can also trigger shame in them, which makes things even worse. If you try to rescue your family member, they will not learn for themselves how to manage feelings of sadness on their own. It is unlikely that you will be able to make the depression go away, and the fact that you are sticking your finger into their lives can trigger depressed relatives to feel frustrated with you.  This will also lead you to have negative interactions with your loved one, such as when fixing it doesn’t work and you get angry with them. Accept them for who they are and where they are emotionally. Develop realistic expectations for your depressed loved one and maintain an attitude full of hope for them. Your loved one can get help for depression, and they can change. There is hope, and if you keep this in the forefront of your mind, you can help them have hope as well.
Recognize that their illness is not your fault. Recognize that it is a real physical illness. Offer support. Ask direct questions. Avoid telling the person to change. Avoid trying to fix the family member. Have a positive attitude.