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Controlling behavior may seem “normal” to you, but it is a form of abuse. Your boyfriend may say that he wants to know what you are doing all the time because he cares so much about you, but true caring involves trust. These are all signs of controlling behavior:  Demanding that you constantly check-in with him, even when it's unreasonable or inconvenient Wanting to know everything you're doing Refusing to let you hang out with people unless he's there Monitoring your phone, internet, or social media use Expressing unhappiness that you spend time with people other than him Demanding to check your texts or other messages Asking for your account passwords Trying to control how you dress, where you go, what you say, etc. It can sometimes be hard to identify a relationship as abusive, especially if what you think of as “abuse” (usually, physical violence) hasn't happened yet. However, considering how your boyfriend makes you feel can help you determine whether you're in a healthy relationship. You may feel like something is “off,” or like you are “walking on eggshells” and don't know what will set him off. You may feel constantly blamed for the problems in the relationship. Consider the following questions:  Do you feel accepted for who you are, or do you feel constant pressure to change? Do you feel embarrassed or humiliated around your boyfriend? Does your boyfriend make you feel guilty for his feelings or actions? Do you feel bad about yourself around your boyfriend? Do you feel like you need to “love” your boyfriend into changing? Do you feel exhausted or tired all the time when you interact with him? We all say things that we regret. Even in healthy relationships, people will not always speak to each other with kindness and respect. However, if you notice a consistent pattern of disrespect, belittling, intimidation, or humiliation, these are signs that you're not in a healthy relationship. Ask yourself the following questions:   Do you feel like your boyfriend constantly criticizes you, even in front of others? Does your boyfriend call you names or other abusive terms? Does your boyfriend yell or scream at you? Do you frequently feel put down, dismissed, ignored, or ridiculed? Does your boyfriend tell you that you'll never find anyone “better” than he is, or that you don't “deserve” anyone else? Do you feel bad about the things your boyfriend says about you? Some people are natural leaders who “take charge” of things, and that's fine. However, if you don't feel like your boyfriend acknowledges your needs and ideas, or if your boyfriend often makes decisions that affect both of you without talking with you, this is a problem. In healthy relationships, both people listen to each other, even when they disagree, and try to come to a compromise. Abusive relationships are typically very one-sided.  For example, consider whether you have a say in your plans together. Do you feel like your boyfriend listens to you, or do you usually end up doing what he wants to do? Do you feel like your feelings are acknowledged? For example, if you tell your boyfriend that something he said hurt your feelings, does he acknowledge the hurt and apologize? Do you feel comfortable speaking up or confronting your boyfriend? Do you feel like he listens to opinions that disagree with his? A common trait of abusive people is that they attempt to shift the responsibility for their actions and feelings onto someone else. An abusive person will also make you feel guilty for not giving him what he wants.  This can sometimes be very flattering, especially if you look good by comparison. For example, your boyfriend might say something like, “I'm so glad I found you. You're nothing like the psycho girls I used to date.” However, if you notice that your boyfriend frequently blames other people for his own feelings and actions, this is a bad sign.  An abusive person might also blame you for his abusive actions. For example, a common excuse for abuse is that “You make me so angry that I can't control myself” or “I can't help feeling jealous of your other friends because I just love you so much.” Remember that each person is responsible for his/her own feelings and actions. You are not responsible for your boyfriend. Abusive people will often try to get what they want by making you feel guilty, as though their feelings are your fault. For example, “If you break up with me I'll kill myself” or “I'll go crazy if you hang out with that guy again.” This type of behavior isn't fair, and it's not healthy.
Look for controlling behavior. Think about how you feel around him. Consider how he talks to you. Think about whether you feel heard in the relationship. Think about whether your boyfriend takes responsibility.