Q: Spend some time thinking back on your relationship with your wife, from the very beginning through the present. As you do that, try to pinpoint a time when it seems like things changed between you. Sometimes there might be a very clear incident that drove a wedge into your marriage, like an affair or an ugly fight. However, sometimes the answer can be harder to spot, like that one of you struggles with intimacy issues or feels neglected in the marriage.  Try writing down your thoughts in a journal to keep track of them through this process. Don't push yourself to come up with the answer all at once. It can take a long time to get perspective on what led to problems in your marriage. Once you've gotten a good sense of where things started to go wrong, take a good look at what you might have done to contribute to the situation. Then, sit down with your wife and have a conversation where you acknowledge your role in the problems the two of your are having.  For instance, you might say, "Jessica, I know that I let my job come between us, and that made you feel lonely and sad. I'm really committed to making our marriage work, though, and I'd like us to find a solution together." Don't focus on things your wife needs to change. Even if it seems like your wife instigated the issue, it's important to understand anything you could or should have done differently. Otherwise, you can't promise to make a change. Once you've let your wife know that you accept responsibility for your part in the problem, ask her what changes she'd like to see you make in the marriage. Try to get her to give you specific answers on things she'd like you to work on—but give her some time to reflect if she needs it, so she doesn't feel pressured or put on the spot.  For example, you might say something like, "What could I do that would make you feel more loved and appreciated every day?" or "What are some things I do that hurt you that I might not realize?" As you do this, you might be surprised to learn that something you did hurt her, even if you didn't think it was a big deal at the time. However, an important part of apologizing is understanding what you did wrong, so do your best not to get defensive. Don't take this as an opportunity to start listing things she does wrong. Instead, listen in a compassionate, empathetic way. If you want your wife to forgive you for anything you've done wrong, you have to be willing to do the same for her, even if it's really hard. Just remind yourself that having a healthy marriage is more important than holding on to hurt feelings, so do your best to forgive your wife for whatever she's done that hurt you.  Try writing down your feelings in a letter, then tear the letter up and throw it away to symbolically let go of the things inside. If you need resolution for any of these things, it's okay to talk to your wife about them. Try saying something like, "Is it okay if I share something that's been bothering me? I don't want to argue about it, but I do want us to be transparent with each other so we can move forward." Rebuilding your marriage can take a lot of work, so don't put pressure on yourself or your wife to get it perfect right away. Give yourselves the time and space you need to re-establish trust and communication, and work together to make sure both of your needs are met throughout the process. Even if the two of you still argue during this time, stay dedicated to proving to your wife that you want to be a reliable, loving person in her life. If you or your wife have tried to work together but you can't seem to find common ground, it may be helpful to meet with a licensed marriage and family therapist. If your wife is open to it, go together so you can learn new ways to communicate and resolve conflict.  Try saying something like, "I feel like we're having a hard time moving past this on our own. Would you be open to going to couple's counseling with me so we can figure out how to get better together?" Even if your wife is resistant to meeting with a therapist, talking to a counselor on your own may still give you valuable tools for improving your marriage and your personal life in general.
A: Reflect on what pulled you apart. Express accountability for your role in your marital problems. Ask her what you can do better. Let go of any resentments you're holding onto. Take your time. Go to counseling if you're struggling to overcome serious issues.

Q: If you call up a shy girl out of the blue, it's possible that she'll give you an excuse to avoid going out. This isn't because she doesn't like you, but because introverted or shy-types like to have their plans in place. Shy girls need a chance to get ready mentally for a date.  If it's 4:30 on a Friday night and a shy girl doesn't have plans, she's probably looking forward to a quiet night at home. Make your plans ahead of time to give her enough opportunity to prepare. In general, try to make plans at least 1-2 days ahead of time at least. It's good to plan an activity for a date with a shy girl, so you'll have something to do together. If conversation is going to be hard, try to pick an activity that'll let her loosen up and have a good time, without having to do a lot of talking.  Going for a bike ride, bowling, or playing mini golf might seem like silly ways to go on a date, but it's a good way to keep yourself active and busy. You'll have a fun shared experience. Dinner is a good opportunity to talk, but it might end up being pretty awkward if you have a hard time talking together. Alternatively, movies mean you can't talk at all. Not the best choices. Make sure whatever you do is quiet enough for her to talk if she wants to. If you go to a booming club with loud electronic music, you'll never be able to talk. Shy girls aren't generally big partiers. If you ask a shy girl if she wants to go to a big dance, or to the football game, or to a loud dance club, don't be offended if she'd rather stay in and watch Netflix on the couch with you. Make the time that you're together special, even if you're not doing something that sounds like a date. Cook dinner together, instead of going out to a fancy new restaurant. This gives you the chance to do an activity that will get you talking, even if you're just talking about the chicken and rice dish you're making together. Shy girls are often intimidated by large groups, but you can always ask her about her preferences. While it might sound great to you to hang out with all your friends and watch football together in a huge group, it might be her worst nightmare. Try to give yourself some private time.  Of course, some girls might be more comfortable in group dates and feel more shy one-on-one. All girls are different. Talk to her and find out what she prefers and do what makes her feel comfortable. If you do go to a dance or some other kind of social event, come up with a signal that she can give you if she wants to leave or pick a designated time leave. Being shy doesn't mean that she doesn't have a strong opinion. When you're going out, give her the opportunity to pick the activity. This will help her feel comfortable and confident that you enjoy being together. Give her the opportunity to open up. Don't be afraid to take charge, though. Some shy girls might give you a lot of "I don't know" answers when you ask what she'd like to do on Friday night. Have a plan in place, if she doesn't. You should also offer more than 1 option to ensure that she can pick what she feels most comfortable doing.
A:
Make plans ahead of time. Plan fun dates that will get her to open up. Spend your downtime together too. Make your dates one-on-one. Let her pick the plan.