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Some kids love the spotlight and would enjoy being a part of as many aspects of the ceremony and reception as possible. Other kids may want to take supporting roles. Once you have decided on the basics of your ceremony and reception, sit the kids down and ask them what they might like to do.  Tell them your basic ideas for the ceremony, and which parts of the ceremony you would like them to participate in. Be sure to explain traditional wedding roles (like the wedding party, ushers, or flower girls) if they aren’t aware of them. You could say, “I would like all of the kids to play a part in the wedding ceremony in some way. What kind of things do you think you would like to do in our wedding?” Get their ideas. Ask the kids for their ideas about things they could do at the ceremony or reception. Try to incorporate at least one suggestion from each child. For example, your children may have food preferences or want cupcakes instead of cake. You could choose to have a cupcake station at your reception instead of a traditional wedding cake. If they are old enough, have them look at wedding websites for ways kids can be a part of a wedding. Remember, they did not fall in love with your spouse-to-be, you did. They may not be as excited for the wedding as you are. Try to understand where they are coming from, and do not force them to do something they may not want to. It may build resentment and make you get off to a rough start with your new, blended family.  Figure out what, if any, wedding activities you want your child or future stepchild to participate in, and let them know your expectations. If the child is unwilling to participate, talk to them and try to understand why. You could say, “I understand that you’re still upset that your dad and I divorced, and you don’t want me marrying Michael. You don’t have to participate in the ceremony if you don’t want to, but I want you to be at the wedding handing out programs, and I want you to participate in the family dance at the reception.” Give the kids some power and delegate responsibility. Give them control over an aspect of the wedding you think they can handle and don’t mind delegating. For example, you could let them choose:  Themes. You could ask the kids to choose a symbol that represents your new family, that could be incorporated into your wedding invitations, centerpieces, or favors. Maybe all of you love to go fishing and camping, and you could create your wedding with an outdoor theme, for example. Colors. You could also ask the kids to decide what colors will be a part of your wedding. If there are kids from both you and your spouse-to-be, you could let each side of the family choose one color. Use both colors in your wedding as a representation of your families coming together. Ceremony programs. Older kids could design a program on the computer, or they could draw a picture to be used on the cover. Most children could help you fold or assemble them, as well. The menu. Have your children help you select the kids’ menu at your reception. You could even take them along to your tasting to help you make decisions! Favors. Involve them in creating the favors that guest will take home with them. Older kids may even be able to handle selecting the favors and assembling them with minimal supervision. Their outfits. For example, you could let your stepdaughter-to-be select her flower girl dress (you could narrow down her choices to two or three) and shoes. If you are hiring a photographer to shoot your wedding, make sure they take lots of family portraits and have experience working with kids. It will help send the message to everyone that they are part of the family. You will also have lots of beautiful family photos from your special day.  Talk to the kids about any fun photos they would like to take on the wedding, and make sure the photographer tries to incorporate their suggestions. If you are taking engagement pictures before the wedding, include some pictures with the kids as well. If you have a budding photographer or videographer in your family, consider giving that child a camera to help document the wedding. If it’s feasible and within your budget, let your kids each invite a few close friends to the wedding. They will have a lot of fun with their friends, and it helps them celebrate their new family, as well as the two of you. Be clear of your expectations ahead of time. For example, you may want your family to sit together during dinner, and the kids may have other responsibilities during the ceremony or reception that will take away from time with their friends. Before or after the wedding, plan to do something special with your new spouse and kids to help everyone bond and relax. Get their input on a special activity or getaway.  For older kids, you could let them do some research. You could say, “We would like to do a weekend trip with all of the kids after the wedding. Here’s our budget. Could you help us by making a list of places we could go with that amount of money?” For younger kids, you could say, “Next weekend we want to go somewhere special with our whole family. Where would you like to go, to the zoo or the children’s museum?”
Ask them how they want to be involved in the wedding. Encourage their participation, but don’t force it. Let them make decisions. Plan to include them in pictures. Let them invite friends. Let them help plan a special event.