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Your boyfriend may not know he’s behaving in a way that feels possessive to you. Maybe this is his first relationship, or maybe his last girlfriend had a personality different to your own. He may be going through an event in his own life that is causing him to pull you closer than you’d prefer. Talking about your wants and needs in the relationship is always a good place to start.   Try beginning with examples: “When you call me multiple times when I’m with my girlfriends, I start to feel like you don’t trust me” or “It really troubles me when you don’t talk to me after I hang out with my guy friends.” Provide specific instances of when you felt he was being possessive: “I felt really upset when we were at the football game and you gave me the silent treatment after I played horseshoes with my college friends.” Avoid calling names; for instance, don’t call him “possessive.” Instead, you may want to say that you felt like his behavior was overly possessive and you felt suffocated. Calling names can result in an argument, but expressing your feelings should not. This should be an explicit and private discussion in which you can openly talk about the types of behaviors that you do not want to tolerate in a relationship. These should be limited to issues that you are not willing to compromise on. Here are some examples of behaviors that you may feel are unacceptable:  Asking you to stop hanging out with your friends, especially male friends, without a good reason. Telling you what to wear, or making comments if he feels you are wearing something “inappropriate.” Calling or texting you repeatedly while you are away from him. Going through your phone, email, or personal belongings. Requiring explanations for your every move throughout the day. Making you feel guilty for needing to change plans for a legitimate reason. Giving you ultimatums or making threats if you aren’t making enough time for him. Your boyfriend may not know your unique needs in your relationship, so it is important that you communicate with him. This may help to alleviate his possessive behavior.   Explain your need for independent lives. Tell your boyfriend that even though you love spending time with him, it is important for you to be able to spend time with your friends and family as well. Having a life outside of your partner is a very important part of a healthy relationship Encourage him to spend time with his friends and family without you, too. Communicate your desire to be trusted. Just as you trust him, he should be able to trust you as well. This is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. Negotiate some rules for your relationship: for example, both of you should be allowed to have and spend time with friends of the opposite sex; however, complete honesty, loyalty, and monogamy are to be expected. Possessive behavior is most commonly rooted in low self-esteem and insecurity.  If your boyfriend’s possessive behavior is mild, it may be worth it to remind him that you are committed to your relationship and he has no need to be concerned about your intentions. Verbal affirmations are a powerful way to reassure your boyfriend. A simple “I love you and only you” can often do the trick. Often, his possessiveness will come from jealously as well as insecurity. Involving your boyfriend in some of your friend group’s activities can help him feel more comfortable about the life you lead when he’s not around.  In particular, it may be helpful to have your boyfriend meet your male friends. He may feel uncomfortable about other males with whom you spend time. However, this is not a reason for you to stop spending time with them; instead, invite your boyfriend along to show him that there is no threat to your relationship. After you’ve had a talk in which you explain negative feelings you’ve been having about your relationships, both of your emotions may be running high. This is a good time to take some time apart and reflect on what you’ve discussed, before coming back together and attempting to have a happier and healthier relationship than before.   Be aware that progress takes time. Your boyfriend will not change overnight. You must be willing to put in time and effort to help these changes in his possessive behavior take place. Don’t be afraid to point out when he relapses into his possessive ways. Don’t let him get away with it when he does. Instead, call him out on the behavior immediately and explain to him how it makes you feel. Encourage him when he’s loving without being possessive. When he behaves in a way that you appreciate, tell him. This will make him want to do it more often. If your boyfriend wants to change his behavior and is willing to respect your feelings and listen to your wants and needs in your relationship, you may be willing to give your relationship another shot. However, if you are feeling depressed, scared, anxious, or fearful, you should leave the relationship.  Remember that as much as you want him to change, you cannot change him. He must be willing to initiate and follow through with the change in his own behavior.
Describe your feelings. Discuss the behaviors you feel are unacceptable. Explain your needs in your relationship. Discuss your commitment to your relationship. Include him in plans with your friends. Give your relationship time to heal. Be realistic about whether your relationship is worth fixing.