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An overbearing mother-in-law is likely acting out of an impulse to take care of her child. If you approach the subject with her when your partner isn’t around, she will automatically feel like you’re betraying her child’s trust and not acting in their best interests. She also may not trust your decision-making, so facing her one-on-one may be counterproductive and lead to an argument. If your mother-in-law tends to make a lot of demands, calmly explain your reasoning for doing something differently to make it seem like you aren’t simply trying to spite her. If you simply ignore her, you’ll just make her think that she needs to push harder. By explaining yourself, you’ll not only show her that you’re willing to stand up for yourself, but you may point something out that she hasn’t thought about and make her agree with you.  For example, if she claims that you’re not being appreciative of your partner, calmly explain, “I express appreciation privately all the time, just not in front of you. I don’t want to disrespect you by making a show of it.” If your mother-in-law won’t stop asking when you’re going to have grandchildren, make it about the quality of life for the children to seem like you’ve thought it through. Say, “We’re waiting until we’ve set up a college fund so that we give them the best future possible.” If your mother-in-law tends to insert herself during key decisions or conversations, simply wait until she’s not around or move to a different part of your home to talk it out. She can’t insert her opinion if she isn’t around to make it. “We can talk about it later” is a simple way of deflecting tough conversations in front of your mother-in-law. If your mother-in-law is often critical of you specifically, try showing lots of affection and appreciation for your spouse whenever she’s around. She may relax if she feels like the two of you are both working towards the common goal of making her child happy.  Simple comments like, “I appreciate you picking the kids up today. You’re such a good partner!” are an easy way to score points in front of your mother-in-law. This is a good strategy if your mother-in-law has expressed a concern about your loyalty or dedication. Showing her that you care about her child will put her at ease and make her feel less compelled to insert herself.
Avoid trying to solve the problem in a private conversation. Explain why you’re not following your mother-in-law’s demands. Wait until she’s not around to have important conversations about key decisions. Express gratefulness for your spouse in front of your mother-in-law.