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Your child may have lots of questions about the death of a friend. It is important for you to answer these openly and honestly, again using concrete explanations. Keep it simple. It is also fine to admit when you don’t know something.  Children might wonder if death is like going to sleep. Explain that during sleep the body still works, while with death it doesn’t. Be clear about the differences so that your child doesn’t start to fear sleeping. Kids may also ask about pain, i.e. “Does it hurt to die?” You might say that doctors and nurses can use medicine to take away the pain and make it hurt as little as possible. Be honest if your child asks more generally about death and whether he or she will die. Explain that everyone dies at some point, but that most people live for a long-time – and that someone will be there to look after your child if you yourself die. Questions of meaning are harder. It’s OK to admit that you don’t know why your child’s friend had to die or say that you are upset and confused, too. Should you take your child to the funeral of a friend? The answer to this question is very personal. Your child should be able to join in any mourning ritual – but only if he or she wants to. Don’t pressure the child to do so.  First, explain what your child will see at the funeral or memorial service, i.e. the friend’s body may be in a casket and there will be many others there, too. Explain what will take place, as well. For example, other people will probably speak about the friend who’s died and other mourners may be crying. If you are religious, you can also share your faith’s spiritual beliefs about death and what these mourning rituals mean. Make sure to respect your child’s wants at the funeral, too. Don’t force your child to stay if he or she wants to leave. Children learn how to cope with emotions and to grieve by watching what adults do. They are very aware of how you react to death and loss. That said, try to model healthy grieving. Sitting quietly, crying, and displays of emotion show children that these behaviors are natural and OK.  It is OK for your child to see you cry. This can make the child more comfortable with showing his or her own emotions. Your child should also know that it’s OK to feel strong emotions when a friend has died, like anger, sadness, and fear. Continue to model grief by encouraging your child to express how they feel in healthy ways. Allow adequate time and don’t press the child into resuming “normal” activities before they’ve had a chance to process and deal with the death.  For example, you could give your child the chance to say a final goodbye by writing a letter for the graveside or casket or by releasing a balloon. You can also encourage your child to draw pictures or write poems or stories about the friend and how they feel. Put limits on grieving behavior, though. It’s normal for kids to react to death with some regressive behavior, but limit acting out and displays of physical aggression.
Be ready to answer questions. Decide whether or not to attend the funeral. Model healthy grieving. Encourage your child to express emotions.